Bilbo's Mission: Edited
by RisingGrace
Summary: Look what happens when Bilbo meets Mary Sues! This is our first reader request. Ain't that great? Read on for laughs. It's also our first K rated story, so huzzah for the nine-year-olds who are about to get their brains melted by this. Please Note: This story may make you cry with its abuse of cannon.
1. Chapter 1

**We've come a long way! This is our very first reader request! YAY! Thanks to "ImDreamingTheDream" and "MindReadingAngels"! Without them, this editred fanfic couldn't be here. This story was removed from in 2010 (I think), but it's back in edited form! if you would like to send me any stories to edit, PM them to me. Let's start!**

Hi, I'm Emma and this is my fanfic for 'The Lord of the Rings'. No flames because my fanfic is the best! It's not like your stupid stories with nazguls and stuff. **Actually, nazguls are a part of LotR and insulting pretty much everyone who see's your story? Bad idea.**

Chapter 1

BILBO POV

I was walking in the forest. I hid under a mushroom because it was raining. It was foggy. The mushroom was blue and covered in sparkles. I started to cry because the rain was going to destroy my house and then I'd have nowhere to live. That made me sad. **I think getting my house destroyed would make me sad too. Well, I'd be more angry, but I've always had a short temper.**

Then I used magic because I'm a magical elf.

**You're Bilbo aren't you? Bilbo's a hobbit. Has this girl even watched the movies? Also, hobbits don't have magic and I'm pretty sure that elves can't control the weather either. **

I licked my curly black hair and made the rain stop. The sun shone. I came out from underneath the mushroom and went on walking in the forest.

**Why was he crying if he could fix the rain so easily? Why is he licking his hair? Bilbo has short hair, so he must be quite the contortionist. I believe that his hair is brown, not black like the author claims.**

It rained a few more times because the universe was trying to fix itself, but I just laughed and used my magic to make it stop raining. Then instead of rain something else fell from the sky! It was a girl elf! (AN: this is my oc) **Wait a minute, rain wasn't falling in the first place! Although I do like the attention to detail what with the universe trying to fix itself. Most of these authors have trouble with consistency. *cough* Tara *cough***

MARGERY POV

When I fell from the sky I was naked. My hair was on my head so I was very embarassed. (AN: Get it? Because she lives in the woods and she's and elf?)

**Edited Out: 'berry embarrased.' Come on. Really?** **I did not come here to edit Strawberry Shortcake fanfics! This is LOTR!**

**Option Game!**

**1. Margery is embarassed because she has hair. Maybe it's multicoloured hair that floats and talks to people. I would be embarassed too.**

**2. Margery doesn't realize that she is naked, alone, and in a strange place. She is more concerned with her hair. Why? I don't know.**

I had a very long, pale face and my ears were pointy. My legs were long and my chest was bare because I had no clothes on.

**Further confirmation that being naked will make you naked?**

My eyes were grey.  
I stood up and looked around. I felt very lost and sad because I didn't know where I was. In fact I was so lost I started to cry.  
Then I saw the young man in front of me. He was really tall. He had sexy black curly hair and sexy brown eyes.  
"Hello," I whispered.

"Who are you?' he asked me curiously.

I said, 'I'm Margery. Who are you?'  
The elf said, "My name is Bilbo.'

'Oh what a nice name," I sobbed. I was jealous because Bilbo had the nicest name in the history of the elf kingdom and I **had an ugly name? Got stuck with 'Margery'?**

**I love how no one is noticing that she's naked. Bilbo must meet naked elves in the forest a lot.**


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Stop flaming the story! ISH uyru&* just because I write about Bilbo and you write about nazguls doesn't mean you can just hate it! So curse you!

**'ISH uyru&*'? WHAT? Also, while nazguls are pretty cool, I don't think that Emma got flames because of a lack of nazguls. I know! Let's go flame every LOTR story that doesn't have nazguls! Bonus points for stories that are not related to LOTR! GET OUT YOUR TORCHES AND LET'S BURN SOME SH*IT! (Please don't do this, no matter how loyal you are. Guys? *looks at mob of torch wielding fans* What have I done? F*ck.)**

Chapter Two: Margery and I

BILBO POV

I took Margery to my house. I lived in a giant mushroom. It was in the woods. I opened the door on the cap and we jumped in. I fell because I was staring at Margery's sexy hair. I wanted to do so many sexy things to it.

**First of all, hobbit homes are not mushrooms. Wouldn't it make more sense to have the door on the stem? That way you wouldn't have to fall. Also, how would you do 'sexy things' to someone's hair? Ick, it's giving me bad mental images. Why am I editing this piece of crap? Get the mental images away from me!**

I showed Margery around my mushroom and she said, "Oh it's very nice. I want to stay in it forever!"

I told her that she could if she wanted to because I would go and pick food for her from the woods if she waited here.

**I****t seems like a run on sentence, but it's not... *shudder***

I also showed her my favorite corset. It was made of wood and was very big and it was leaning against the wall with all of my elf clothes on it.

**Why would a bachelor have a corset? How is it made of wood? Whatever happened to whalebone? Bilbo doesn't wear a corset does he?**

"Can I try it on?" she squealed when she saw it. "I know it would be too big for me but I want to anyway! It's so pretty!'

I told her yes because while she took off all her clothes and took out all of mine I was staring at her hair and it was so sexy I could have eaten it.

**Sorry, what? Eaten what? Margery better run. Wasn't she naked earlier? Does the mushroom-house have an automatic dressing machine at the door? It dresses you as fall in? I need something like that so I can sleep in on school days.**

Her hair was even prettier than she was, which was saying something, and when she put on the corset her stomach flattened until I could hardly see it. Her waist was so tiny and she looked almost as sexy as her hair.

**So now she's wearing a corset and men's clothes. That must look strange.**

After that she ate with me. She ate corned beef, pancakes and mac and cheese while I ate chicken, waffles and some smarties. Smarties are some really nice chocolate candies that humans eat.

**Yes, include real life candy in Middle Earth. She doesn't have to explain what smarties are. We all know what they are.**

While we were eating there was a knock on the door. I got up. There were smarties in my eyes but I answered the door. Margery was pretty when she was drinking coffee. She flipped her hair and it was sexy. I opened the door and gasped.

It was Gandalf!

**Edited Out: four ellipses and a bunch of slashes. Kill me now. For the love of G*d. Why do people write this stuff?**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three: Gandalf is Hiring (AN: lol, I just found out that 'three' in spanish is tres. Lol, isn't that funny? I laughed so hard when I found out!)

AN: Stop flaming the story! You can't write such a good story so shut your mouth! Stop writing about nazguls because they are so stupid and cliche! Nobody even remembers Bilbo exists! I want to give him more love because he is so sexy.

**Edited Out: 'Remememememememembers.' Honestly, what the h*ll was she thinking?**

When I was Gandalf I started to scream so loudly that Margery started to cry. Margery was afraid of everything and she knew that, since I was her saviour, whatever I was scared of she should be scared of too!

**Option Game!**

**1. Bilbo turned into Gandalf. The real Gandalf hid somewhere. I screamed and Margery cried. She was afraid of everything. She knew that she should be scared of whatever I was scared of.**

**2. Bilbo and Gandalf switched bodies. I screamed and Margery cried. She was afraid of everything. She knew that she should be scared of whatever I was scared of.**

"Oh my G*d! What do you want Gandalf!" I axed.

**Option Game!**

**1. "Oh my G*d! What do you want Gandalf!" Bilbo asked Gandalf.**

**2. "Oh my G*d! What do you want Gandalf!" Bilbo hit Gandalf with an axe. The guy has issues.**

**3. "Oh my G*d! What do you want Gandalf!" Bilbo hit Gandalf with an axe and took back his body.**

"First of all Bilbo, before I tell you why I am here, I want to ask you a question." He said happily.

Margery spread her wings out and flew to the place where I was floating and Gandalf was sitting. "Oh, hi Gandalf!" she said.

**What just happened? Not even in My Immortal can so much change with one sentence. Margery just grew wings and learned how to use them very quickly. Gandalf is sitting on who knows what, and Bilbo is floating. Didn't Gandalf fall when he came into the mushroom? Is he sitting on the rim of the mushroom? Are we on the roof now?**

"You shut your mouth girl!" Gandalf screamed. He slapped her wing with a twizzler. She started to cry happily, but then she fell down sadly.

**Well that escalated quickly. Is Margery bipolar or something? She goes from scared to friendly, and happy to sad very quickly. Someone get a psychiatrist in there! Also, what's with the twizzler?**

Margery was being annoying so I ignored her. I turned to Gandalf. "Gandalf, what do you want to ask me?"

**Edited Out: "Gandalf, what do you want to axe me?" I know that I want to 'axe' him right now. **

He said, "Why do you have smarties in your eyes?"

**You got to admit, she has no problems with consistency. Well, except for the wings...and the floating...**

"Oh no!" I said. "I didn't realize that I was still eating them!" I took them out of my eyes.

**Were they in his eyeballs? Did he need surgery or something?**

Gandalf took them from my palm and said "If you don't mind..."

I said, "I don't mind because they are covered in gunk." Gandalf put them in his mouth. He closed his mouth. After his mouth was closed, he chewed on the smarties.

**Not before his mouth was closed?** **N****ot while his mouth was open? ****I know some people who chew that way and I think I should let you know that I hold no prejudices against people who chew with their mouth open.**

After they were chewed he swallowed them. After he swallowed them, he opened his mouth. He looked up at me and smiled. The smarties were in his teeth! He spoke to me. Margery was still lying on the ground sobbing.

**Would it have killed Emma to just say 'Gandalf ate the smarties'? What did Gandalf say when he was speaking?**

"Why are you here Gandalf?" I asked him. I was secret.

**Edited Out:** **Bilbo axing Gandalf. For the love of G*d, can we please stop using 'axe' as a verb? It's not a verb! It isn't!**

"I'm here because I have a mission for you." Gandalf snapped happily.

**Erm, alright?**

"Oh my G*d, what is the mission?" I wondered.

**Edited Out: Bilbo wandering.**

"You have to save Margery!" Gandalf whispered loudly, "because she really needs to be saved."

**Thanks for that. Can you be more vague please? I'm trying, but it's just not vague enough.**

"Yah, after you slapped her with a twizzler!" I snarled. "Margery, come over here. Gandalf needs to say sorry."

**Now he cares that she was hit with candy. Earlier he didn't really. My G*d! They're both bipolar!**

Margery flew over. His wing was healed because she had touched the corset. (AN: Remember the one from the last chapter?)

**Edited Out: (REMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMMEMEBER LE 1 FROM THE LST CHPTRE?) **

"Sorry Margery," said Gandalf. "I won't slap you again."

**Edited Out: The mighty wizard Grandelf and our winged elf Elizabeth.**

"It's ok," Margery said. "I'm not mad because I like twizzlers. Why do I need to be saved?"

*gandalf locked her into his eardrum.* "It is Bilbo's mission to save you." He was avoiding the question.

**He locked her into his eardrum? I don't know... What happened? How do I fix that? What does she mean?**

"Just tell me," said Margery. "Please!" She gave him puppy eyes.

**Edited Out: our friend Elubarh and 'caterpillar eyes'.**

"Ok," said Gandalf. "Bilbo, in a few moments daleks are going to exterminate her."

**I can't believe that this girl can spell 'caterpillar' and 'dalek' right. Also, why are daleks in this story?**

I gasped. "The daleks? Why?"

"She is too pretty and daleks hate pretty thighs." Gandalf said.

**I wasn't aware that daleks detest thighs. I thought that it was everything that wasn't a dalek that they hated, but sure, we'll go with pretty thighs.**

I gasped again. Then I screamed, "No!"

**Edited Out: "nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" That is when this abomination was wiped from . Once again, thanks to the lovely ladies who sent me this story! Thank you for reading this. If you have a story you want me to edit, just PM me the first chapter along with the title, fandom and author name.**


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